Thursday, April 23
Labels: [emo]i noe u wun read tis..but still..i noe its a very stupid thot..n it shldnt even be part of my options..but e thot of endin my life isnt e first time tat passes thru my mind alr..but everytime i pauses to tink back..wat could i not leave behind??sch life??i cant wait to leave e disastrous place!!family??who needs a crappy one lik mine!!friends??who will miss me when i dun hav any to begin wif!!its u!!i realli wonder if i left before u..i realli duno how are u goin to carry on wif ur life..becuz of tat..when i held a knife on my skin..seein blood flowin slowly..i quickly dress my wound..its becuz it hurts..not my body..but my heart..when im sick n takin med..i always contemplate takin few more..goin to sleep n nv wakin up..but tinkin of u kissin me goodnite..n not bein kiss me anymore..tat thot scares me..afraid tat u wil follow my footsteps..a few times when i was by e window still..wantin to climb on it..i would take a step back n remind myself..no matter how bad can life be..i would hav to continue..all becuz i couldnt bear to tink of u livin without me!!but now im realli very confused..if i shld hav done it on e spot all e times i had n stop all problems happenin now!!or shld i juz continue fakin a smile n face everyone else til my time is up!!?these past years our arguements had all been initiated by u..i dun deny its partly my fault..but i realli dun understand u..juz e way u dun understand me!!whenever u come to 'talk' to me..when i keep mum to ur sarcastic 'qns'..u wil say u're talkin to e wall..yet when i reply u..u wil say im so rude tat u will nv wana bother bout me animore..then wat do u wan me to do!!?everytime when u tell others bout me..its always nothing good..when i jokingly reply sayin tats not true..u wil say im stubborn n refuse to admit my mistakes..yet i say im sorry..u will juz brush it off sayin i said it unwillingly..then while walkin along e streets..u will start 'talkin to urself' at e top of ur lungs..scoldin all kinds of vulgaries..so wat u wan me to do!!!?im realli tired..so tired tat i wana rest..rest forever in a place where i cant hear ur screamin..cant hear ani voices..yet i noe its a very irresponsible thot..i wun be able to leave u..there are many things tat i dun wana say..everytime u say something..do something..i always hav loads of things to tell u..but juz lik e past..with no1 to share these with..it always goes back down..to a place so deep in my heart tat i force myself to forget..i juz hope tat tis wil not continue on..17 years..its takin a toil on me..sooner or later i gonna snap..i dun wana end my life in a way tat i wil regret..but u are e only consideration i hav..do u noe at tat moment juz now when i knew its gonna happen again..e first thing tats crosses my mind was e same as always..i wana call someone out to vent everything..but even without scrollin down my hp list..i realise tat e results wil be e same as always..theres no1 i can call at all..can only spent e nite at east coast again..alone..cryin my heart out..screamin my lungs out..ventin my frustrations out for e sea to hear!!
